Really, Airlines?

[Editor's Note]: Last week, Frank was in middle Tennessee for a bit of historical detective work.  The journal was relieved of his possesion between 5pm and 1am during air transit back to the hometown.  Frank dispatched a vicious all-points bulletin in print form.  As usual, any names may have been changed to protect local identities.

October 16, 2010

San Antonio, Texas

Dear Airlines, The [Federal] Security Administration, and anyone else who may have come into contact with my Belongings:

I will require my employer's intellectual and physical property to be reinstated to my possesion immediately!  To the Spineless Pilferer who thought they were getting some firearms, eat a bag of dongs.  Anyone else, please accept my humble apologies for any rudeness directed in your general direction; in 20 years of air travel have i never experienced such a situation...

Friday, October 15.  After two 12-hour (mostly sober) days of intensive research at three different libraries and several federal installations, the Thirst was very great.  The local O'Charley's has awesome happy hour specials, so i got 8 2-for-1 pints.  A sleepy drive to Nashville only took about an hour, luckily  i was headed north, the southbound lanes were jammed with traffic due to a giant sinkole that swallowed the road.  Looks like i'm early for the flight(s) home, so i checked my rucksack which was way too heavy with not-beer.

Under most circumstances, i would Never stow electronics (laptop) in my checked bag.  The Fear was sneaking up on me again, and the laptop was very heavy and had not powered up properly in about a week (bad battery connector).  So i put it at the bottom of my forest green fabric shopping bag, and put about 800 loose pages of unclassified research documents on top of it.  Nice package fit right into my pack.  I locked down all of the straps, buckles, reversed the hip belt, and the backpack may as well have been a smooth sided duffel with only one handle.  No loose ends whatsoever.  Man am i thirsty.

The airline clerk seemed bitter about the whole thing, "you all know your (no doubt she said your and not you're) not supposed to put no 'lectronics in yer check bags, right?"  I glared.  I handed the duffel-pack to The [Fed] Security Admin guy, who was in no hurry whatsoever to put my bag into the temporal-variant coupled MRI Frontal Lobe Scanner or whaterver they have nowadays.  Good thing they can't read my thoughts yet, Minority Report here we come!  However, any visit to a "small town" really slows you down to the local pace of totally don't give a crap about anything; it is quite refreshing.

Unfettered, i look for the nearest wet spot.  My colleauge "Paul" told me not to miss Tootsies in downtown Nashville so i hopped a city bus.  Oops, No Drinking on the bus, so this stinky dude next to me and myself must be more careful to hide the OE we were sharing.  25 minutes and a slight buzz later, downtown welcomes me spectacularly.  Reimann Auditorium, Titans Stadium, and innumerable Honkytonks line both sides of Broadway.  I gawk at the stadium, tours are already over with at the Reimann, so i start honkytonking.

An attempted One Beer at each of the 29 honkytonks did not end as well as it began.  I will not even try to name all of the hot spots, suffice to say any influential musician in the last 200 years played here, and it's super awesome.  Everyone is very friendly, the weather is gorgeous, and the trees are all turning from green to yellow, orange, red, brown, purple.  Wow Tennessee harbors some first class musicians and the groupies who try to be seen but all look the same...

Also, somewhere along the way i ended up with a half-empty Shiner Bock in one pocket, a broken cigar in another, and a wicked canadian whisky drunk.  Water seems to be helping a bit.  Taxi! Airport! 20 Minutes! 20 bucks! Let's go!

Security, check.  Sitting in proper seat on airplane, check.  F those commercials.  Need more canadian whisky.  Old leatherface the steward(ess?) says, "we only got Jack."  I order vodka.  She sneers.  I sneer back.  Properly lubed, i visually eavesdrop on my row-mate's ipad playing Dark Knight.  Great performance, Mr. Ledger, you will be missed.  The Bengali princess on the other side of me is likely trying not to throw up in her mouth (or get a buzz) from my Vapours.  I smile at her and tell her to read my blog immediately.  Maybe we can arrange a "Holiday."

Not so bad only 2 hours from Nashvill to DFW.  Watching the Rangers/Yankees game at the only open bar in this terminal, just made it before closing time at 10.  10? What the Hell, am i not back in Texas?  Another plane.  Sit on the runway for an hour, weak.  A quick, 40-minute parabolic flight to SAT, need some cofee.

Weary walking to baggage claim, as usual in no hurry to look at the empty baggage carousel.  Finally the red light and sirens, baggage ho.  What's this?

MY FING BACKPACK HAS BEEN EMPTIED COMPLETELY AND DUMPED UPON THE CONVEYOR BELT!  HOW IS THIS EVEN REMOTELY ACCEPTABLE! 
Calm down.  Not Even.  I had better get lifetime Presidential Elite Status for this. Where is my other shoe you bastards!

Please keep in mind that this backpack has accompanied me Everywhere, including to the summit of the 18,500ft El Pico de Orizaba stratovolcano (Citlaltepetl) in Veracruz, Mexico.  This bag does Not Ever open by itself or fail in any way.  [Frank's bag was deliberately opened (and undoubtedly hand-searched by The [Fed] Security Administration (read:NSA), and upon uncareful inspection, the (Ha-Ha!) broken laptop and (Unclassified, Public FOIA) documents were likely siezed.]  Great, now i will end up in the No-Fly list express lane.  Oh well, driving's better for the soul, anyway.  

I seem to have been unfortunately rude to the baggage [desk] lady, i went back to apologize, and here's my other shoe, nice.  I leave happy.

Saturday, October 16.  Oh NO. Laptop and green bag with documents missing.  Drive back to airport and talk to 23 different airline people until finally i get to fill out some paperwork.  Joke's on them though, lukily i hand carried e-copies of most of the documents, and the work is sending me a new laptop.  Go F yourselves, airline.  Hope you catch the rat bastard thief, Security Administration people, because that person is a danger to themself and others and needs to be behind [jail cell] bars; as a former kleptomaniac, i should know.

I foresee a great number of trips back to the ariport in the next few weeks, none of which will involve flying anywhere.  The airport sucks enough when passing through, try conducting Business!

Thats all, any important updates will follow.

Unfortunately still have to fly places,

Francois (Frank) Dillinger

[ABOUT THE AUTHOR]: Frank Dillinger was born in Oakland, California.  He lives and writes in San Antonio, Texas with his wife and son and dog.